Foot Blog

I think my feet are the most normal feet on the planet. If someone were to make a model of the average foot, it would look like mine. Because my feet, their shape and the length of my toes, the way I have a vein that is slightly raised and noticeable on each one, that is the way a foot is supposed to look. Down to the very last detail.
When I see other people's feet, I think they look strange. I am slightly disturbed by the feet of others. The big toe looks a little misshapen, or their toes aren't as long, or maybe that key foot vein is not visible. It's despicable.
And I obviously know that my thoughts are delusional, and that my feet are probably not that great, that they disgust people when I decide to wear sandals all summer. And I know that I only think my feet are what feet are really supposed to look like because they are my own, and that is what I'm used to.
And there is no real reason for this post but to ask the people of the Internet if they feel the same way about their feet. Because I need to know if I should start seeing someone about my foot narcissism.

My Biggest Fan

I got a ceiling fan a few days ago, and I can honestly say that that was the most exciting part of my whole summer. I know that is unbelievably sad, because usually summer brings something a little more interesting than the comfort of knowing that your room is an appropriate temperature, and if I ever heard someone as excited about a fan as I am, I would be genuinely concerned. Because fans should not be such a big deal. And I know the novelty of the fan will wear out very soon, because I'm already starting to grow weary of how COOL the detail on the blades is, and how nice it is to sit on my bed and watch them spin around, making the one you focus on look as if it's going slower. And I think I should be more afraid about my mental health because of this fascination, but the thing I'm worried about the most is what the hell I'm going to do when the honeymoon period with my fan has worn out. Maybe I'll invest in a lava lamp. Or a life.

I'm Sorry, Television

You know there is something slightly wrong with you when you make a menacing face at your television and tell it to SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW! And then take the remote and try to dramatically press the power button, but you didn't realize that there was a chair in the way, and you sit there for a few seconds flailing your arms around in a fit of rage trying to turn the TV off while still keeping all of your dignity.
And the television does turn off eventually.
But you realize that there is something slightly wrong with you. Because there is no point in trying to keep your dignity, or talking to inanimate objects when you are sitting there all alone. By yourself. With no one there to see you.

Sadly, I was not Given the Gift of a Famous Name

For those of you who do not already know, my name is Stephanie. My name is Stephanie and I am a thinker. I think about many things, and most of them are quite obscure and pointless. I would never speak them out loud for fear of people wrapping me up and throwing me in a mental hospital. But those that are not strange and confusing, I like to speak about. And see what others think about it. Hell, maybe I'm not the only one who has, at some point, thought of such a strange theory. You never know...
So just a few minutes ago I was thinking one particular thought. And it was not the first time I have thought about it. Sometimes this thought just bugs me. "Why!", I think. But before I lose all of you, or I have a truck pull up to my house with some burly men trying to get me to go to a "better place for me" I will reveal my thought.
The reason I introduced myself in the way that I did at the beginning of this blog, is because the blog you are about to read (or, i guess, currently reading) has a lot to do with my name. And that is because I can not for the life of me think of someone off the top of my who is fairly famous and also has the name Stephanie. Can you? I have tried time and time again (though, I must admit, not very hard) and still, I can not think of one single person.
Now, this makes me wonder. Because I know that Stephanie is not a rare name. And I know that there may be a few people if you say, googled "famous Stephanie's". But that is not the point. It is obviously not an intriguing enough name to gain any sort of celebrity around here.
The other thing that may be slightly offending is the huge amount of Stephanie's there are appearing on shows like The Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. And they are rarely the winners. They are the people that stand there looking like they had NO idea they would be going on TV, and get so many things wrong that you wonder if they did not, in fact, pass the test to get on the show, but they were so comical that the producers took them in anyway just to get some ratings.
What is the world coming to when you have to be an Uma, or a Joaquin in order to have a famous name? There is only one thing I can do to help my situation, and the situation for all of the other Stephanie's out there. And that would be to become famous myself.

How many Celebrities can you think of that share your name?

Yeah...

I'm still alive! Expect blogs soon. :)

The History of the Mini-Cow

If you have read my last post, which you should have, this will be a further explanation of the frequently mentioned mini-cow.If you have not yet read the previous post, you should. It is sitting right underneath this one. If you have not read that blog you will be completely and utterly confused. I suggest you read that blog. This one isn't going anywhere.



So now that we are all acquainted with ye olde blog, I am sure you are wondering what in the hell a mini-cow is, and why I am so fascinated with them.

A mini-cow is a fictional creature invented by me, mainly, and also my boyfriend. It will be real, though, as soon as I become a mad scientist and throw one together.

Mini-cows are in most ways identical to your average cow. They have a rather large head, and a stomach that bulges out on the sides. They are constantly covered in flies (although mini-cows get the honor of toting around mini-flies as well) and their tails are constantly flopping around, trying to shoo those little buggers off their backs so they can graze in peace. Mini-cows also have a similar diet to normal, average-sized cows. They will eat just enough grass so that the lawn will look neatly mowed when they are through with it. And yes, they still have putrid flatulence that send horrible amounts of methane gas into Al Gore's precious atmosphere.

The difference between a mini-cow and a normal cow is the size (if you haven't already guessed..) Mini-cows are about the size of a beagle. A small, adorable beagle. Due to this size, their voices are also very small and high-pitched. Instead of a meaty "MOO" from a large cow, the mini-cow sports a shy, quiet "... moo." that will leave onlookers squealing "AWW!" in awe.
When I create my mini-cows, after I've locked myself in a damp, eerie basement full of strange test tubes and electrical wires, they are sure to flood the countryside. Everywhere you look there will be another mini-cow, destroying the ozone layer and deeply upsetting Al Gore. The only way to reverse this devastating occurrence would be to destroy all mini-cows! But no one will be able to resist their adorable "...moo."

If I Wasn't Blogging Right Now...

There's something about waking up at 1 in the afternoon, after approximately 12 hours fairly uninterrupted sleep that makes a person want to blog. That makes me want to blog. I have doubts that many other people get that feeling. Some would feel like jogging (although not today because there seems to be another storm over our heads), or cleaning the house, perhaps (And if you have seen my room in the past few years, you will know that waking up in a good mood still is not enough to do some recreational cleaning). I'm actually quite sure that there are many things people would chose to do on a lazy Saturday other than blog. But I am not many people. I am me and I chose to blog. Now, if you've stayed with me so far, some actual blogging will begin shorty. Like, right now.
You know, I think I am going to stick with what I was talking about before, in a list! Because, I haven't written lists on here before, but those who know me from myspace know that I love lists. But this is not a blog about lists, this is a list blog (and they have very distinct differences, believe me). So, on with the blog (finally)...

Things I Could Do Instead of Blogging (And why I don't):

1. Start and emu farm
They would probably turn into zombie emus, somehow. And eat me.
2. Make macaroni pictures
My mom would yell at me for eating the paste.
3. Construct a scale model of Tony Danza out of Lego
Not enough Lego.
4. Golf
I lost my 5-iron. (And I suck. And I don't know what a 5-iron would be used for.)
5. Make the world's largest Caesar salad
Would cause a great crouton famine. That's the last thing the world needs right now. Al Gore would come after me.
6. Turn into a mad scientist and create a herd of mini-cows that would graze in my back yard
Mini-cows still emit large amounts of methane gas. Al Gore would come after me.
7. Tend to the elephants
The mini-cows and emu-zombies ate them!
8. Make real X-ray goggles and sell them to small children for unreasonable prices
If they're real, people can see boobs and such.
9. High five everyone
Some people have gross hands. And diseases.
10. Bomb Iraq
Oh, wait, see, George Bush should have a blog.
11. Prove the Existence of Aliens
They would abduct me, and my mini-cows. And Al Gore.
12. Re-elect Pluto as a Planet
I don't think you can elect planets. And the space people would probably send their aliens after me.
13. Buy a Funny hat and sing karaoke
Been there, done that.
14. Cut the Grass
I have mini-cows to do that for me.
15. Kidnap Al Gore
So I could have my mini-cows, and Caesar salad. I would blame it on alien abduction.



(This list was pretty much half written by my boyfriend, because he's hilarious. Check him out here.)

What would you be doing if you weren't currently reading this blog?